First do no harm

 I see I have a video consult for this psych eval.  Did I say that was a good idea, doing it over the web with Epic's busted-ass system that won't work right with my hardware -- which I already know because their 24/7 on-demand system doesn't?  Did anyone ask me?  Oh, yeah, right, it's my fault you didn't ask.  That old oath to gods of the Greek pantheon didn't start "first do what's convenient," it was "first do no harm."  Am I wrong about that?

Call me.  Oh, wait, you can't. Procedures.

Griz

 My home nurse, who my sister insisted was responsible for filling my medication sorter, and who already has a MyChart account, Diane from Aveanna, who I was going to protect by just calling her the oh-so cutesy Nurse Nancy... (sigh)  

She started talking to her boss (who she said would fire her for using the tablet he provided) while she was supposed to be caring for her patient, me.  She who was "listening..." to me.  Talking to her boss who doesn't know how to use the big-ass laptops he paid for on the phone, while "listening."  I called her on it, "I'm just a nurse!"  And irritable about it.  I trusted her and she called the cops on me because I was yelling at my big sister. 

My sister insisted Nurse Nancy was going to fill my meds sorter for me.  But "I'm just a nurse!"  Stomped out of my house because I got mad at her for talking to him instead of listening to me.

And now my pill sorter, with little white pills and yellow pills, is empty, because she didn't fill it.  And I owe her an apology?  "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."  I don't know what she does.  So now I can't take my morning pills because I have to go bottle-by-bottle to find the ones I'm supposed to take.  You can send an ambulance, but not someone who can hand me the right pills to take?  That's someone else's responsibility, and We Have Procedures.

I was a stranger, and you took me in.  Where are the people who did that?  Buried under a pile of procedures, or laws?  Turned into pillars of salt?  No, you can't call me -- my phones don't work.  And don't call Julie, she does the same thing and thinks she's owed an apology, and that Nurse Nancy who refused to Nurse is owed an apology for leaving because of my anger at her not listening.

Eloi, eloi, lamai sabachtani?

Griz

MyChart decided my note to my PCP was too long, to protect me... so I'm putting it here. So long and thanks for all the Security, as Douglas Adams almost said.

Who's to bless and who's to blame?

 Oh, my fucking God.  My home nurse who I love dearly and trusted implicitly wouldn't let me explain to her boss that he was violating ADA by not giving me access to my own records on the machine my insurance helps pay for.  Aveanna.  She told me he'd fire her if I tried to tell him.  I told my PCP that.  The genius autistic guy, she so admires, Nurse Nancy.

"I'm listening" while talking to her boss who was going to fire her on the phone.  Listening?  Right.  Interrupts me and I'm being rude for yelling about her not listening.  Then she storms out, my nurse who I trusted. And the understanding woman who called the cops because she thought I was a threat to my sister.  My sister didn't think I was a threat.  The cops were baffled why they were even called.  And everyone and no one is listening.   

And no one, including my PCP from Essentia can figure out why I'm stressed and anxious.  "Take these pills to fix the anxiety!!!"  How about fixing the problems I'm anxious about?  How about fixing your busted-ass procedures?   Can't because everyone is terrified they'll have to be responsible for their own actions.  And they're protecting me so well with their 2VA that I can't use their online services, like twit.social.  They're protecting me by keeping me from using services I can't afford but can't live without.  Security?  Why do you think I -need- anti-anxiety medications in the first place?

 People I trust. "I'm your nurse!"  Nurses aren't supposed to care about the patient more than the Procedures?  They aren't supposed to care about actually obeying the law (ADA, HIPPA) rather than following the Procedure?

I'd have shown this to Nurse Nancy from Aveanna first, but she was so busy listening -- while talking to her boss who was going to fire her for following the law on the phone -- an then telling him "see, I told you he's being unreasonable!"  I told her to get the hell out.

Her boss (who she said would fire her for using the big-ass tablet he provided to show me my own records in my own house) was on the phone. And she was telling him how unreasonable I was being about them not violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by denying me visible access to my own records.  The guy she said was going to fire her.  But she was "listening."

 Who's in charge?  The ignorant thug and bully you just elected President?  Who wants to run the government like a business?  And not like a government, because he couldn't be bothered to understand how a government is supposed to work?  Because he was busy running his business -- that doesn't pay it's bills and declares bankruptcy just to avoid paying bills or taxes?

God *damn* I hate political rants and fucking cussing!  Do I owe you a fucking apology yet?  Do I owe you one, Nurse Nancy?  You said you liked me calling you Nancy, wouldn't come to see me when I needed your help, and now "I'm just your nurse!"  Listening politely while talking to your boss who was going to fire you on the phone.  

Was going to fire you because he's protecting me, a half-blind guy, from seeing my own records in my own house on my own wifi... because the procedure says he can't.  The ADA says he has to for this old half-blind guy.  I have to hand her my tablet with my info on it, and she's got this huge tablet, and her boss is going to fire her because the half-blind patient wants to be able to see it on the big-ass tablet she walked in with?

 Who's in charge?  Let's see if I can quote that Kris Kristofferson song, to make a point:

From memory.

"If a cheated man's a loser,

And if cheaters never win,

And if beggars can't be choosers

Till they're weak and wealthy men,

And the old keep getting older,

And the young must do the same,

And it's never getting better...

Whose to bless and who's to blame?" 

God bless.  Who knows, maybe there actually is one.  Beats me.

Griz

An Important followup

 Don't you even think about blaming my PCP or anyone involved with my care from Essentia, the folks who saved my life.  They follow the procedures they were told to follow.  I'd kick the ass of whoever gave them those busted-ass procedures, but I'm a 66-year-old with cancer and that'd not be likely to go well. And anyway, nobody knows who that is, but they're "Procedures," and medical professionals follow procedures or they're Bad Doctors.

 My PCP, a Nurse Practicioner, thinks I can't call her "Doctor."  What the actual fuck, "Doctor" is an earned title, not a fucking job title -- though "Doctor *of Medicine" is.  All these people went to college.  This from my fading memory, so look it the fuck up.  "Colleges" used to be Collegia.  Three top ranks:  Bachelor, just a run-of-the-mill smart guy.  Master, boss of some of the Bachelors.  Doctor: Fully knowledgeable and able to teach, and of course teaching, that's why they became a doctor.  Collegia.  Look it up.  Do your own research.  Then tell me about it and show your work, since you did all that research... 

 What, you smirking smug bastard, you think I'm not talking to you?  Pull your head out.  Look it up, tell me I'm wrong if I am.  Who's in charge?  Y'all just elected a thug and a bully to run the country's government "like a business."  I'm autistic, and sure as hell not an expert on autism, but I've known bullies since my first day of kindergarten -- an autistic kid with a too-large head, and some fat bastard named Bruce (no guys, the Bruce we know and love wasn't *this* Bruce) calls me "basketball head."  I spent the rest of elementary school crying and not wanting to go to school.  And Mrs Gallagher the principal kept calling me into the office and telling me I shouldn't fight.  Never saw her call in the kids who'd tell my gullible child self "That guy over there wants to fight you," so I did.  I was Autistic.  What did you think it means?

 He hates veterans.  I'm a veteran.  He hates disabled people.  I am Autistic, I have osteoarthritis, maccular degeneration due to glaucoma in my left eye, so no depth perception, and Multiple Myeloma as of October 15 of 2024.  I got laid off from my work-from-home job just before my 62nd birthday because my employers, CleaResult couldn't afford to keep me on -- and my work from home depended on other people who went out to install free stuff in people's houses.  And nobody wanted strangers in their houses -- which was damn smart of them.

 So now I'm "retired."  Living off too-small SSDI checks.  And the companies that gave me all those credit cards while I was working are taking me to court to grab the money they were so anxious to lend me, because now with my SSDI checks I can't afford to pay them.  USAA is doing their best. So are all the Good Guys, probably including you, the reader.  But "we have rules and procedures."  I want to pay the cards, but please God don't fix it by handing me charity.  Fix the busted-ass rules and procedures.  The thug and bully you just elected President doesn't know how, admits it, and hires sycophants to tell him he's doing just fine.  Like the other genius, Musk.  Sure, asshole, take me to court for telling the world you're dumb as a stump and screwing up the Federal government. DOGE?  You mean like the Doge, or ruler, of Venice?

Department of Government Efficiency.  Why not Department of Presidential Efficiency, or DOPE?  Why do you think they *don't* call it DOPE?

And before you laugh... I hate fucking cussing with a passion, and I hate fucking political rants.  Like this one.  But nobody is listening, with all the best will and best intentions in the world.  Judge yourself by your results, not your intentions, lest ye be judged.  Sound at all familiar?

Rev Dr David "Grizzly" Smith, DDHC, ULC

Oh, shut up and call me Griz, damn it!  DDHC, no secret, stands for "Doctor of Divinity Honorus Causa."  "Honorary Cause," it's Latin.  It's an honorary degree I bought from the ULC that you don't respect, so stop trying to bullshit me.  "What does the ULC believe?"  Whatever the individual ULC preacher believes.  We don't all believe one thing, we just believe.  Ya know, like in Freedom of Religion?  "There are faith and hope and love these three, and the greatest of these is love."  Show some love, will ya, and stop pointing fingers with the one you pick your nose with anyway.  Dignity my hairy old white ass.

To paraphrase Will Rogers, "I belong to no organized religion, I'm a Democrat."  The founders wanted no political parties at all, and said so.  Then the Federalists turned into a political party.  Then Thomas Jefferson started the Democratic Republican Party.  Then it split into Democrats and Republicans.  Similar?  They're two parts of one party.  And the solution is... more political parties?  Seriously?

 Who's in charge now?

An open letter to Essentia Health of Duluth. He who hath ears to hear, let him hear

 

I just tried that '24/7 on demand thing. Oh My Effing God what useless crap. Hope they heard me say so over my mike...

 

And I wanted to beg you for an ADHD evaluation very very soon. I'm not able to function at the moment with symptoms identical to what I've read of ADHD. You know I've been very good for a very long time with computers. Constant midstream distractions are keeping me from doing what I do. Might be that Anxiety, sure. But I recall the same from my childhood, with some truly brilliant elementary school teachers -- one who won an award, who's name escapes me. Mrs Fillenworth, maybe?

 

So schedule the eval, due to the controlled substances like Adderal (and yes I might need some). But I need help now. I can't live my life like this, anxiety notwithstanding. Thanks.

 

Griz

 

 

PS. "What, no Autism?" ADHD is now part of the Autistic Spectrum according to the DSM, as I recall. Is that correct?

 

Griz

 

 

I suspect I'm suffering from clinical depression. I don't know why I hesitate to say it or to tell you. I actually believe it. But I find myself telling myself "I've never had clinical depression." But given I don't actually know what it is, how can I be sure I don't have it?

 

I'm not a genius, sure. But I'm not this non-functional. I'm sitting in front of the computer trying to do things. I know what to do -- I've been doing this since high school in 1976. So why do I sit here, knowing what to do, and not doing it, and angry because it hasn't happened yet?

 

Something is seriously wrong, and I need help. But I find it hard to ask, even knowing I need the help. I never ask for anything. But I get angry when people don't give me what I never asked for. I get angry for reasons I don't understand myself. I come up with ideas why I'm angry, but I know they're not true. So why do I believe them? There aren't any diseases I understand that would cause that. I believe myself to be honest with myself. So why am I lying to myself? PTSD? Clinical depression? Something I've never heard of? I know a bit, but I don't know everything.

 

And I keep getting angry that other people believe I do know everything. Why should that be a problem? Please find me someone to talk to, very very soon, who can help me figure this out. I'm not even sure why, or how I feel about it. But something is seriously wrong here.

 

Griz

 

PS. I don't know -- so why am I afraid to ask?

 

 

This morning, trying to talk to my sister who I love (and who won't let me tell her that because I'd feel bad), keeps thinking I need to apologize to all of you folks at Essentia. People who saved my fucking life... and who aren't mad at me... and I need to apologize? But maybe I do. Switching to speech-to-text because I'm tired of typing after doing it for 20 years. This is me voice typing. I can't call you, because both my cell phones are not working. The windows system for doing transcription is ****** ** there's no one there to tell . My chart is ****** ** . There is someone in charge the folks who sold you the crap wear . But nobody knows that. I owe you an apology for not forcing you to actually get your busted system that they sold you replaced. But none of you know who's in charge of it, so I can tell them can't tell them ... And you can figure out why I'm anxious??? Here take more pills!!! I'm a night person who has to come in for appointments during the day. You have a hospital across town , that i can easily get to, and get downtown from there but your system won't let me do that when I can afford to do it myself.

 

**** you don't know why I'm anxious ? You just give me more pills, because that's our procedure . Fix your **** or I have to go to the other hospital and I don't wanna do that . Am i clear enough yet? Signed grizz not grizzly not David grizz 

Why not go there? Because you're doing your best. With the procedures you have... But you don't wanna change your procedures which are ****** ** because there are procedures. Went to the emergency room on a Saturday night. Fall of highly trained people who could have helped., but quote we need you need to talk to your PCP UN quote. I have to tell this busted *** dictation software how to type. Character by character. I have one way to get text messages using Skype. Microsoft is shutting down Skype. And they feel bad about it, but they won't stop shutting it down, because I can't talk to the person in charge to tell them they're screwing up! And y'all won't let me talk to the people who are responsible, because apparently no one is. That's why you don't know who it is has... This dictation software is also screwed up. I can't tell them, because everyone is afraid to be in charge. So do I owe you an apology for telling you that? My sister Julie thinks I do... I'd call you, but the only way I can get the number is by calling the operator, who doesn't ******* know who I'm supposed to talk to either, and nobody can can fix that I know how... But I can't talk to the person who can fix it. Paragraph... Do I owe you an apology??? Please God get your busted *** systems fixed!!! I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. Look up what that means on Google if you want.

 

I would have put this on MyChart, but MyChart doesn't want me to write this out longform.  And you know who's in charge of deciding to replace this crapware?  Epic.  The company that is charging you for it.  The Emperor has no clothes.

 

Griz

 

One reason one more reason I can't call you, and you can't call me, is because Tracfone (Now owned by Verizon) won't activate my "unsuitable" cell phones, which need AT&T style towers. Do I need to apologize to Verizon?  "Can you hear me now?"  No, because you won't activate the cellphones, including the one Tracfone just sold me, because they're "unsuitable."  Brand new, but unsuitable.  But no, let's not be wasteful by paying to use AT&T's towers so my "unsuitable" cellphones will work.

 

I believe I told you that. So why do your nurses want want to have you call me back??? Multi $1,000,000 phone system you don't know how to use, nobody's in charge of fixing it, I know how to get it fixed, I could do the quote impossible UN quote back in the 90s with a much simpler system. But nobody wants to be in charge and get it fixed.  (And if I call back, the operator can't direct me to the person at Essentia who just called me and whose call I'm returning.)

 

 And they tell me I need to talk to you, my PCP. So i'm talking to you and telling you what's wrong. That's why I'm anxious. You didn't ask. Your procedure said give me pills. I'm sorry you did that. Is that enough apology? Am I being rude? Julie thinks I am, and she thinks you should be mad at me. Are you? I have to keep switching on the so-called dictation software. And it doesn't do paragraphs. And everybody says they're listening, but they won't let me fix that busted *** phone system, because nobody knows who's in charge... Or if they do, they think it's a big ******* secret. And they don't want to let me talk to them, because capital letters procedures. Figured out why I'm figured out have you figured out why I am exhausted and anxious yet? No, you can't call me my phones don't take inbound calls... No I can't call you, my phone system the one that works, doesn't know the number.but you don't do house calls . Procedure . Rules. And no one's in charge. Signed grizz send it  

Come to think, Leo Laporte, you should read this too.  I can't get logged into your Mastodon site to tell you I can't get logged into your Mastodon site.  The above says why I can't call you, and I don't remember your email.  Because I'm being protected, for my security...  You are only a year older than I am, and you don't know how to fix this without me calling you on the effing phone?  Leo, are you okay?  What the hell is wrong?

 

Griz

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